No. 1: No one to blame, by Bowers

Welcome to the first post of the Indyfluency journal, you all know the drill, I expect. If not, read the descriptions, they're good.

This piece was a pretty early one by IF accounts, and remains up in the clouds of the top-pieces board by a comfortable margin. It was written by the subtly emo Bowers, the man with the magical suit. Onwards, to the piece:

[link]

The body lay there now, broken and torn, twisted and bent, full of holes. Just another sad junkie with only himself to blame.

I open my eyes slowly and stare at the clock, its 10am, I should be up by now but I know as soon as I get up my day will start exactly as the one before, and the one before that, and the one before that. I've got a routine now, get up try and avoid it as long as possible, think about it, think how much I need it, think about how my life has suddenly totally spun out of control, get depressed and then finally give in to the aching sensation that throbs in every pore of my body. I'm a heroin addict. And I know it. It's not as if I want to be, everyday I wake up and say "This is it, today's the day" but it never is, the cycle repeats itself and there's nothing I can do about it.

I take a deep breath as I walk out of the double doors onto the playground. The sun is shining and soft white clouds float about the sky aimlessly. I jump as two hands are planted on my shoulders and a contagious laugh rattles in my ear, I grin and spin round and hug Kate tightly around the waist and pick her up.
"It's over!" I scream.
She laughs hysterically again as I put her down
"I can't believe it!" she squeals she grins and jumps up and down on the spot. A pair of arms wraps around her waist and a bushy head pops over her shoulder, Dae grins idiotically like the rest of us. Kate smiles and kisses his cheek lightly and laughs again.
"Summer starts tomorrow you two" Dae says excitedly and tightens his grip around Kate's waist
"I say we celebrate in style" Kate giggles with a small twinkle in her eye.
I smile "And what do you mean by that?"
She grins and pokes me playfully in the ribs "Oh you'll see, I guarantee you this summer is going to be the one that changes your life," she was right.

But I'm not alone in this, if I was I'm pretty sure I would be dead by now. They're the only ones who understand, who know what it's like because they're going though the same thing, they feel the same pain, the same torment. We all started at the same time, we all felt the same way, we knew it was bad, we knew it was wrong but none of that mattered. You get told almost every day of you life by your parents, your teachers, the T.V that "Drugs are bad" or "Don't do drugs!" but when that bag of green or whatever it is you're on that week is in front of you, it doesn't mater. You live life by the high and you'll probably die by it too, but that's the risk you take.

A warm pleasant breeze blows softly as I turn the corner and enter the narrow gate into the park, I instantly recognise Dae's huge head of hair, Kate sits next to him with her hands on his knee laughing softly under the oak tree that towers into the sky leaving dappled shadows playing across the ground, I smile and walk over to them. We lie on the grass lazily talking for hours, watching clouds and wasting time. As the sun begins to slowly droop over the horizon Dae rummages in his bag for something, watching curiously I see him pull out a small sandwich bag with what seems like herbs in, a lighter and some rizlas. Taking a rizla he nimbly folded it at the bottom and took a pinch of the herb and a pinch of tobacco and placed it delicately in the fold and rolled it into the shape of a cigarette. I finally caught on to what was happening
"Is that weed?" I exclaimed, my eyes widened as Dae placed the spliff in his mouth and lit it
"Of course it is" he murmured through "what did you think it was, basil?" Kate chuckled and patted me on the head lightly "Aww poor little Bowers, so innocent" she grinned and pinched my cheek while I sat there wondering what I should do. Taking the weed would go against all the advice had been given to me about drugs, the talks in school, the lectures from parents but none of that mattered. They always tell you not to be pressured by your friends, just because they're doing it doesn't mean you should, but it's not like that, everything is cool, relaxed, calm, I didn't feel pressured at all. I didn't do it because I wanted to do it, I guess I did it because I could; this was the one chance that I could possibly get away with doing something different. All my life I had been sheltered, protected whether by my mother or the way I had been brought up, a catholic, a good boy. I was sick of it I wanted to change.
I took the spliff in-between my fingers and sucked on it lightly, I coughed lightly smoke tickled my throat my eyes began to water. I laughed and coughed the rest of the smoke out and managed to choke
"Damn this is good shit" and cracked a grin. Feeling light headed and giddy I laughed and lay back on the grass to stare up at the clouds.

Pushing myself up from my bed I swing my legs over the side and sit there for a while, today was going to be the day, I could feel it. I stood up and wrapped my dressing gown around my distorted body and made my way downstairs, making sure that I didn't look at the third drawer down in my desk in the corner, "Not today" I said to myself quietly "Not this time". I stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen, everyone else was out, not that it would matter anyway my family seemed to have given up on me, I don't blame them either I would have given up on me. I pause as I open the fridge and rummage through its contents, "I cant think like that anymore" I remove a carton of juice and with some effort hop up onto the work surface, "I'll make it up to them" I nod to myself and unscrew the cap of the carton, taking a swig of apple juice.

"This is it" I thought to myself "A new low" I sighed and closed my eyes tightly trying to forget the aching pain in my stomach. I grabbed my mum purse and emptied it of its contents before running to the door and slamming it behind me. I stumbled to the edge of the front garden and sat on the other side of the wall facing the road, my back to the house. Opening my palms I stared carefully at its contents "£30" it was good enough for now. I pushed myself up from the wall and began the long walk to the park. I'm not proud of myself, but desperate times call for desperate measures, what a pathetic excuse. I can't do this anymore, this is the last time, I'm not going to let this ruin the rest of my life, my fists tighten as I walk faster. I know I'm lying to myself, its not the first time this has happened and I know it won't be the last.

Finishing the juice I decide to go upstairs and get changed. Pulling the t-shirt over my head I reach for my jacket. It seems like ages since I've been outside, I look outside the window and see the apple tree across the road, it sways in the wind softly. "I should tell Dae and Kate" I walk over to my desk and pick up my phone, I hesitate as the drawer calls to me again, I know what's inside, my daily ration. I close my eyes tightly and clinch them phone in my hand as my body calls for it. "No, this ends now" I drag myself away from the desk and collapse on the couch. I turn on my phone and wait patiently as it loads. "I'll have to persuade them to quit too", we've talked many times, the three of us, about quitting but the conversation always ends the same way, the three of us ending the night at some dodgy dealers house sticking needles into our arm and smoking anything we can get our hands on. My attention is brought back by the light vibrating phone in my hand, a text from Dae;


Bowers, where are you?
Kate's sick
Something she's taken
Taking her to hospital
Get down here
Dae

My heat skips a beat. "What time was it sent?" I scroll down, 03:00 Am. Panic sets in, is she ok? What's happened? Another vibration from my phone, another text from Dae.

She's Dead
Overdose


My heart stops this time, "No, it cant be" I stare at my phone for what seems life forever, just reading it over and over again "She's dead" I sob uncontrollably its over.
Crying quietly I press the phone into my chest and crawl over to my desk. "I can't do this anymore" my shaking hands grope for the draw and reach in for the small bag of white powder, "there's no other way out". Tears drip from my cheeks as I empty the packet onto the desk and slowly push it into a line. I lower my head to the desk and curse myself quietly, in one swift sniff the line disappears. I sit back on my chair and stare at my ceiling, eyes now streaming with tears. I dream of better times, I dream forever now.

The Body lay there now, broken and torn, his heart twisted and bent, full of holes. Just a victim with no one to blame.